(strange encounters)
1st
I bumped into a lunatic in the street, he who carried a placard that read, madman on the run, he is wild but easy to tame- if found, do not return to owner.
Initially, I assumed he was thirsty for attention or p’raps clout chasing, however, he dispelled my presumptions after bragging about how he once played hide & seek with a blind boy and won.
2nd
I recall once had a rendezvous with a woman whose neck tasted like cerelac – she had accidentally put it on as part of her make up, in place of powder and that’s how I knew she had a baby. As If that’s not enough, she was so hairy, almost thought she had put a wig above her crotch. It looked like a mop. Out of curiosity, I asked the reason behind her preference and she confessed that she couldn’t afford a shaving razor due to the recent high cost of living. Otherwise, I’d have assumed she belonged to a cult.
3rd
I was alarmed by mayhem at the city cathedral. A nun had strangled sister Maria to death using her bronze rosary following a sour love triangle. At some point while eavesdropping, brother Paul was mentioned several times and couldn’t fathom why incest was allowed in church.
4th
In an Organic supermarket, I saw a petite woman purchasing only gigantic cucumbers, similar size to her arms. I couldn’t stop staring at them. It was strange. Surprisingly, she just maintained a nonchalant look. Later on, I came to learn that she was organising a salad party for her vegan friends.
5th
I went to give a pep-talk to a team participating in Paralympic games- the emphasis was nothing is impossible. From nowhere, an athlete who was born without arms insisted on inclusivity in pole vault category- I didn’t know how to convince him otherwise.
6th
I ran into ME at the backyard smoking a joint, simply livin’ la vida loca even though am not Ricky Martin. Immediately I got high, my mind outstretched and began overthinking. For instance, is it offensive to ask a midget whether she’s acrophobic? Does son in prison prove why there are so many men in prison than women?
THIS COUNTRY
I travelled to this unique country with odd characters:
- the minister for sports is overweight
- the minister for finance is addicted to online gambling.
- the minister for youth empower just celebrated his 98th birthday.
- the government’s spokes-person is a stammerer and has stage fright.
- the minister for interior affairs lives abroad.
- the minister for health is a struggling alcoholic.
THE STINGY MAN
As that party got to its climax, the Alpha male ordered another round for everyone, however, when it got to Farid’s turn, he ordered another round of excuses and empty promises.
THE HEARTLESS AND INGRATE CEILING FAN
She was from Orient, quite sophisticated and attractive.
As the norm, I wiped off her dust and only turned her on when necessary since am asthmatic.
Despite my unconditional love for her, she hardly reciprocated the favour and was ever grumpy. Alone on the ceiling, she preferred to stay aloof. What an extreme introvert! It was so hard to make of her sexual orientation as she was moving round in circles and never straight. Most times she had fun by herself; the faster the spin, the noisier she got.
On 8th February, I resolved to “taste her waters”. Temperatures were high and Chica Bonita was on full gear (numero 5). Recklessly, I stretched my hand to initiate a conversation and it’s that instance when she hit me really good with one of her immaculate blades. Oblivious to the injury I had sustained, she kept rotating and running amok while I writhed on the floor in excruciating pain. There was no apology nor remorse. My heart was utterly broken. Was it her fiendish fetish?
Her whirling was no longer pleasant as before and there’s no way we could continue to stay under the same roof, hence packed her in a box (the one she came along with) and replaced her with an Air-con.
LONE SURVIVOR OF A FATAL ACCIDENT
Desperate pleas from the petrified passengers motivated the reckless driver to accelerate faster. He knew all the black spots but pretended to be color-blind. Tyson over-sped even at sharp bends. As the clock ticked, death crept closer like a vulture in Savannah during an acute famine.
The music was banging, torturous to the ear drums as its loudness muffled wails and bitter curses. Some recorded the incident live while others made frantic calls to relevant authorities who were by nature incompetent.
At the back seat, a young man (the driver’s younger brother and protégé) who was under influence remained cool as a cucumber all along. He didn’t utter a single word.
At 3pm precisely, Tyson miscalculated his speed while overtaking a pharmaceutical lorry that was loaded with abortion pills. He pressed the break pads with all his might while sticking his tongue out due to sheer shock but it was unstoppable like diarrhea. Bang! the Matatu swerved and rammed into an electric pole that completely wrecked it. It was a ghastly scene that would make a morgue attendant change his career.
The grisly accident claimed thirteen lives but spared the driver’s younger brother who had fastened his seat belt.
Amazing 😍